Monday, 10 October 2011

Soy-braised tofu with butternut squash

You've got no idea how time-consuming suffering from crippling anxiety is. All the space that I used to occupy is now occupied by anxiety. There is no room for anything else. That is all there is left of me. All I can do is perform tasks to a very basic level and respond by turning my head when someone says my name. But my eyes are glassy. There's very little left of the person at home.

There is a TS Eliot poem, most of which I don't understand, (I don't understand any poetry, let alone anything by TS Eliot), that says something along the lines of this is me and I am here and everything else is not everything else, rather it is simply everything that is NOT me. Well right now everything in the whole world is only a thing in relation to my anxiety.

I went to see the doctor. My husband politely suggested it might be a good idea. I went with one sole aim: to not cry in his office. I had a shower and washed my hair. I put on non-mad clothes. I put plasters on my fingers where I had been attacking my cuticles and they were sore and bleeding. I put blusher on to hide the fact that I hadn't eaten or slept much recently.

But I cried anyway. Because you do. When you're anxious or depressed and you go to the doctor to ask for a referral to get your head examined (again) you cry. It's just the rules.

This is a long way of saying that I haven't been cooking much. When you suffer from chronic anxiety you tend not to be that interested in food. I've never been that bothered about food, just generally, in life, that's why I never learnt to cook until I had to feed a family. Left to my own devices I would (and have) live off McDonalds and pre-prepared macaroni cheese.

But once my anxiety (trembling hands, multiple night-wakings, constricted throat, leaden weight in the chest, nausea, clenched teeth, clearly hearing my child's cry in my head) has dragged on for a week and I have exhausted all permutations of takeaway, baked potatoes, dinners out and things my husband has cooked I have to return to the stove. And once I have run through my entire repertoire and Recipe Rifle hasn't been updated for nearly three weeks, it's time to hit The File.

The File is a stained purple cardboard file in which I occasionally shove torn-out recipes I mean to test out. Except that I don't always put the torn-out recipes in The File because I quite often lose The File and so shove the torn-out recipe somewhere else and then lose them.

So when I turn to The File, there is often not much interesting in there and always five or so recipes that I know I am never going to try (twice-baked souffle? Sorry, Xanthe Clay, can't be arsed) but am too superstitious to throw out.

Anyway this time I thought it would just pick something at random and cook it. It happened to be soy-braised tofu and butternut squash with spinach.

And it goes something like this:

For 4

1 pack cauldron tofu from Waitrose, about 350g
1 butternut squash
2 star anise
1.5 tbsp soy sauce
thumb-sized piece of ginger, sliced
2 tbsp soft brown sugar
250g spinach OR some baby bok choi
1 red chilli, sliced
500ml water

1 Peel and chop up your bastard butternut squash. I have had such bad experiences with butternut squash remaining rock hard after several days' sauteeing that I nuked this fucker in the microwave for about 5 mins before cooking. I advise you do the same. (Chop, place in plastic container with 2 tbsp water. Balance a lid on at a jaunty angle. Toy for the 500th time with putting something metal in there too, just to see what happens. Reject idea, despite living very near a fire station. Press 5 min and hit Go.)

2 Get tofu out and stick it between two chopping boards and then put something heavy on the top to squish all the water out. Leave it for about 15 mins then dice into 3cm-ish cubes.

3 Fry off the tofu in oil and set to one side. Then sautee your butternut squash for 10 minutes (which will be enough if it has been prepped in the m/w).

4 Throw over the squash the ginger, soy, star anise (which I personally don't like, but works fine here so any haters can approach with confidence), sugar and water and the tofu and boil all this briskly for about 15 minutes. The sauce ought to reduce to a syrupy consistency and the squash out to have relaxed but not be complete mush.

5 Take off the heat, add the spinach/bok choi, sprinkle over the red chilli and serve.

Giles loved this but I wasn't that crazy about it so I wouldn't bother with it if I were you.

Go to McDonald's instead.


  1. Seems a paltry thing to say: but I am so sorry you are going through this. I imagine it's no consolation, but even through the crippling anxiety, you still write like a dream. All I can ever think of in times like this is the Churchillian Keep Buggering On. x

  2. brutally honest.
    painfully confessional.
    i love you.

  3. I too have suffered with crippling anxiety and know that it is of little comfort to you now but it will pass eventually. After a while the weight in my chest lifted, as will yours, and you will feel better. Stay strong.

  4. I hear you about the anxiety. Is it the weather, do you think?
    I nearly cried today because I had to walk over a bridge WITH MY BABY -- in case it collapsed and tipped us both into the black water.
    And then I worked myself into such a state about phoning my boss that I couldn't settle the baby until it was way past naptime and he was weeping with tiredness.
    I'm sitting here (supposed to be working but too scared to check my emails) grinding my teeth and wishing I was somewhere else. I was hoping that you'd amuse me and suggest a recipe I might like to try. Instead... tofu and anxiety.
    It'll pass, won't it?

  5. I have (or had - I've just given it to Oxfam and I feel bad about that) a book called The Magic of Tofu. It gave detailed instructions on how to make tofu, but omitted the vital last step which would have been "Throw the filthy stuff away!" Nothing good will come of tofu. Sorry that you're having a bad time. Hope things get better. xxx

  6. I have sat in that doctor's office and I can only echo what others have said: it does get better and it will get better.

    Your writing, your humour and your recipes have brought me and, no doubt, many others a great deal of pleasure. My sister,who lives on the other side of the world and who I miss greatly, and I share this blog, cooking the recipes and enjoying your thoughts and ramblings.

    It might not mean much to others but being able to share Recipe Rifle with her, means a great deal to me.

    Take care. xx

  7. It seems so hard at the moment but it will get better. Just do whatever you need to do to get through, and make sure you get some time to yourself.

  8. I love your blog & your searing sorry to hear what you're dealing with but as Tania says above, keep buggering on. It will get better despite how shit it is at the moment....

  9. "Only it's actually not that nice so I wouldn't bother with it if I were you. "

    If I didn't already love you for all the ways in which you are brutally and achingly honest and hilarious at once, then I definitely would now.

    I would like to add some kind of reassuring platitude but all I can say is that my own anxiety and depression issues have always improved significantly once I made that hard, hard step of finding help. I hope it works for you too. Xx

  10. Dear Esther,

    I am new to your blog. I don't really like a) blogs or b) cooking. And yet I love this, and having just read through a significant portion of your back catalogue of posts instead of tackling the shitting pile of work on my shitting desk I felt compelled to say that, well, I think you're incredible. Your writing cuts right through me. And, although utterly useless to you, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to read that you're going through this.


  11. Hi Esther! I'm up late, as usual, and I've just been reading your blog post. I loved it, from start to finish. I understand about your anxiety, as I've been feeling quite anxious about things lately. It's not the first time for me. I hope you get over it, and I wish you well. Xx

  12. So glad you've gone to see someone about this...I was getting quite worried about you xo

  13. I don't know what it feels like to have this kind of anxiety, so everything I want to say seems trite. I'll stick to what I do know - butternut cut into small chunks and roasted until it has collapsed into caramel makes everything better. Sauteeing is never really going to get it there.

  14. hang on in there-I managed to get to the doctors a couple of months ago and thankfully the one with brains was on duty...instead of fobbing me off after 10 minutes I was treated like a human being for 40.
    This is natural and not unusual, Life gets on top of us, but we get there, even if it is slower than we want.
    Sit back and realise that life isn't so bad, start to enjoy what you do, one small thing at a time.
    and Thankyou for the recipes!!

  15. Gosh, Esther. Look after yourself. Forget the recipes for as long as it takes and get back on track. I hope you feel better soon and ensure you accept any help people offer. Keep writing if it helps, as you do so so wonderfully. X

  16. Oh, crap, you poor thing. I hope the doctor was compassionate and helpful and had nice tissues and nicer DRUGS and you are getting looked after.

    The doctor I had my own collapse on went on to "star" in Embarrassing Bodies. I am not sure whether this is preferable to dealing with burnt out lawyers. Who knows?

    I'm trying to think of something consoling to say other than the usual 'all shall be well', which is terribly abstract and unimaginable when you're right in the middle of it. But it will be ok. You are fine and funny and sharp, obviously much loved, and vastly talented. AND the internet is rooting for you.

    (The tofu/squash sounds perfectly foul, but you are a heroine of the revolution for making it)

  17. I understand exactly how you feel and strong recommend The Linden Method Suspend any scepticism and chuck yourself into it, it works. If you're anything like me you'll begin to feel better pretty quickly. In the meantime, take care. xx

  18. Started to reply, then deleted it because can't think of anything useful to say.

    But, I wanted to say something.

    Your writing is wonderful and I hope you feel happier soon.

    Claire x

  19. Hi Esther,
    You don't know me, but I read your blog (and I think we have a couple of friends in common). I just couldn't read that post without saying something! My best friend has anxiety problems so I have a tiny inkling of how hard things can be and I just wanted to say that people are thinking of you, and to hang in there. And it's brill that you've been to the doc's.
    Alice x

  20. Speaking from experience - anxiety is a fucking nightmare. Hope you find some space to breathe soon. Take care Esther.

  21. You poor thing. For a while now on reading your blogs, I've been wondering whether you have PND/anxiety (or a combination). It feels a bit grimly trite to trot out those amateur diagnoses (esp without ever having met you!), but the fact they've become a bit of a cliche doesn't make them any less real or any less horrible.
    I had a baby in May and during big chunks of the first month I found it hard to breathe or think, let alone eat or sleep-resulting in dramatic but entirely unintentional swoon and cracked elbow on the bedframe. I thought I'd never be happy again, and that I'd ruined my baby's life by creating it-and of course that I'd completely destroyed my own life forever. I fantasised about stepping in front of a bus. I didn't want to die, just to spend many months in hospital- away from my life. Every single day felt like wading through treacle from start to finish, and I used to lie awake at night with a massive metaphorical weight crushing my chest. The loss of control, lack of predictability and loss of routine induced a kind of bleak, soul-twisting panic in me that I could never put into words. I used to look at other adults and think to myself "look, they do grow up...only 18 years to go." I went to the doctor and he said I wasn't cracking up (I wasn't convinced though).
    I am extremely lucky to have a very easy baby who has always slept well (TOUCH WOOD), we managed to carve out a routine fairly quickly and we bumble along happily now, but if any of those facts were different, I'm pretty sure I'd be on medication by now. And there would be no shame in that.

    I'll be completely honest, I used to be irritated by you-probably jealousy as you're thin and gorgeous and talented and rich-and although Giles isn't my cup of tea I can still appreciate his aesthetic gifts ;) and I thought you seemed so disingenuous and faux-self deprecating about yourself and your good fortune.
    We got pregnant at the same time (must have been the same date as I remember reading later that your due date with Kitty was the same as mine would have been) but I lost my baby at seven weeks, so when you announced your pregnancy I was even less well-disposed towards you (unaware that I was already pregnant again): the illogical self-righteousness and bitterness of grief.
    Once I even left a snarky comment about a mis-spelling of Lucian Freud Very bitchy and uncharacteristic of me (honestly)- I would like to apologise for that. And by the way, I only realised you'd mis-spelled it because I looked him up to read about him!

    But now I think you're very very brave. As well as still being thin and gorgeous and talented and rich. And I think before I mistook genuine insecurity for self-deprecation.
    So I wanted to say that I really hope the weight begins to lift soon, and the clouds begin to part.

    I don't really know why I've written all this...I guess as a result of Twitter and blogs etc, today's social media construct blah blah blah we feel we come to 'know' people we've never met. I'm hoping I don't sound like a stalker, I promise I do only follow you on Twitter and read your blog! But as I said, that feels enough to 'know' you a little bit- and to care x


  22. I lived in Italy as a student and used to eat mcdonalds when I was miserable and homesick. Despite the disapproving looks from the italians. Sometimes a quarter pounder is the only answer.

    Just wanted to add to everyone else's comments to say I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I love reading your blog - you have a fantastic writing style, and you have inspired me to be more adventurous in the kitchen.

    Hope things improve for you, and that these comments go a small way to making you feel less anxious. Take care, Abby xx

  23. So sorry to hear you've been feeling this way. I also suffered from anxiety for many years and know how all consuming it can be. Thanks for being so honest and posting... hope there are lots of supportive/ positive people around you. And I'm glad you're able to talk about it with someone. Hope you feel much better soon... Sending hugs and kisses your way.

    Veronica x

    ps. Wanted to thank you- I've really enjoyed reading your blog as I enter motherhood myself (T-5weeks!) And from talking to other mothers, I know everyone goes through periods of doubt and worries. I'm rooting for you!

  24. So sorry to hear that you've been having a difficult time. Get well soon x

  25. Oh my lovely, I want to give you a great big hug! I echo everyone above, it DOES get better. You've taken the first step. You are amazing. I hope one day you can know that yourself xxx

  26. I really am very sorry to hear you're going through such a horrid brain-time, but I admire your ability to write about it so honestly and so well. Glad you went to the doctor. It will get better. x

  27. I thought I was the only person who made an over the top effort to look "ok" when heading to GP or therapist. I always think the outfit through, accessories just so I don't scream "walking mess". I too fall apart within seconds of an appointment.

    However, as messed up as I am, i'll not be making tofu. Something's will just tip a girl over the edge.


  28. Like someone else stated, I don't know what to say. I suppose we all hope we can say some miracle words and make everything better for someone. I don't think I have any magic words though.

    Instead, I will share my experience of microwaving metal. It was a complete accident (I am paranoid about fire, therefore have never been tempted to experiment with it, especially in the microwave which I don't understand and which a small percentage of me believes is powered by magic. Or voodoo.) I'd chucked some icing pens in there, in a mug like I'd seen my friend do a million times, only mine apparently were different and had metal hidden in the bottom of them. As they microwaved, I was attempting to heat them slightly so they iced better, I heard pops. Me, being my paranoid self, thought there was going to be imminent disaster,a massive fire, however I am trying to be less paranoid so ignored the noises. I should trust myself more. 10 seconds on the microwave counted down, I opened the door to the smell of burnt metal, and two black globs stuck to the bottom of my Disney Aristocat mug (yes, I am 7 inside). The metal in the pens had had some kind of reaction and melted onto my mug. Perhaps I was supposed to be water in the bottom of the mug, I'm not sure (my microwave prowess goes as far as popcorns and burritos due to paranoid fear stated above). There was no fire, though again, being paranoid I assume there would have been had they been in there longer (after all, the internet says that happens and we all know we should trust the internet). My microwave stunk for about an hour, my icing pens tasted like burnt metal, and my favourite Disney aristocats mug now has two rather tiny globs of metal stuck to the inside which, no matter what, I can't get out and don't know whether I can still use, despite my brothers assurance its not now radioactive or something. And I love that mug (Again, I am 7 inside.) So my suggestion for if you ever want to microwave some metal is to at least not put it inside your favourite mug that is no longer in production, and perhaps have the fire brigade on stand by. Just in case.

  29. Firstly, well done for going to the doctor (and well done Giles for making you go) - I should have gone much sooner but Mr W is one of the old-school 'smile and pretend everything's alright and it will be' type of husband. Anyway, I went, and it did get better and I ended up being brave enough to have 3 children in 3 years so it can be alright.
    Good luck and a great big hug.

    Secondly, I bloody hate butternut squash and I bloomin' love McDonalds (and I don't care who knows it) so this one was a no-brainer for me I'm afraid..

    L xxxx

  30. I think every woman with a small baby goes through varying degrees of what you are going through now (I certainly did). All relationships change, and all so suddenly with babies. Be kind to yourself; lack of sleep and hormaones are the source of lots of it. I hope things improve very soon. X

  31. I SO know how you feel, I spend most of my days/nights engulfed in horrific anxiety. Most of it pertains to horrible killer diseases, fatal accidents, world disasters etc. I Google symptoms for hours. I function like this whilst trying to be a mother to two small boys and work part time. It truly fucks your life up, that and having babies. I have recently found a fab therapist. We are making slow progress. Although yesterday I thought my 3 year old had a brain tumour... so exhausting!

    Give Kitty a squeeze, you are clearly a wonderful caring Mummy and you have a husband who loves you. Even though you make him eat shitty tofu!

  32. god you're all so brilliant

    let's run away together


  33. for at least 5 months after baby one was born I would cry literally any time anybody - anybody at all - would ask me how I was. I assume I was the same with baby two, tho' have largey blanked it out.
    I hope your doctor was kind and gentle and sent you off with a referral, a plan, and some lovely drugs. DEMAND the drugs (if you want them, of course) - there's a time and a place for the slowly slowly approach, and this isn't necessarily it. Maybe also take a break from blogging / cooking for a little bit? We'll all still be here when you feel ready to get stuck in again. x
    PS - despite horror of the recipe, you managed to make it look rather delish in the pic.
    pps - my grandmother put a teaspoon in her microwave. DO NOT BE TEMPTED: the resulting fire burned down the room and took the front off the house. I swear. (She also once lost her false teeth for 6 months; they just - Poof! - disappeared one morning as she lay in bed. We assumed that she had swallowed them. Until she rang one morning in a state of high excitement having found them in a plastic bag along with a mass of rotting grapes under her bed. Turns out she'd spat them out along with some pips the previous summer.)

  34. Isn't it amazing how many of us can read this and relate, yet somehow we're still made to feel like we're the outcasts, somehow not "normal" because of what goes on it our heads? I've been in that doctor's office with the same goal many times and I've failed every one of them too - I always end up crying. Hang in there, you've got a lot of people on your side.

  35. Sorry to hear you've been going through such a rough time Esther. I do admire you for having the guts to talk about it on here and also going to see someone. I am of the sort who pretends everything's all fine TRA LA LA until things implode spectacularly, so anyone who faces these things head on gets a thumbs up from me.

    For the record, I don't mind butternut squash but tofu makes me hurl.

    I hope things look brighter soon x

  36. My heart skips a small platonic beat when my email tells me that you've posted something new. I hope that you may be able to find tiny moments of delight throughout the day that pick me up like your postings do, it helps you to get you through the shitty bits.

    As for the McDonalds and the soy-braised tofu, I'm gonna have both.

  37. I have been there, done it, bought the T-shirt, cried into the soggy tissues and swallowed the tablets! It may be hard now but IT WILL PASS! Finally after what felt like a long haul I have got through it. You will too! Cx

  38. All recipes would be much improved by judicious use of the word "fucker" in them. Please can you use your husband's influence to ensure that the practice is take up more widely.

  39. Strictly anecdotal, but a number of friends have told me that after having a baby they developed agoraphobia or fear of driving or some other anxiety problem. Could it be hormonal? Biologically ingrained in us to stay home and care for infant? Lack of sleep always compounds problems.

    On a lighter note, Kitty will soon be walking. That should be fun. :)


  40. Esther, I'm sorry to hear you're suffering. Anxiety truly sucks. I hope you feel better soon and that you're being kind to yourself (whatever that means).

    Oh and tofu= over-rated unless it's deep-fried and coated in loads of guff. Fact.

  41. Esther - you are an inspiration - even when posting questionable tofu recipes. I really hope you're feeling better soon xx

  42. Well done for being blunt about your anxiety, no one ever is. I bleat on about mine to anyone who'll listen and it's 50-50 - half look a bit uncomfortable and leave me alone, the other half say they know what I'm talking about. SO many people suffer and it's so rarely talked about. I've had it on and off, completely randomly, for years and sadly there is no overnight cure but one thing that helped me was getting some sleeping tablets and just getting a few good nights sleep to try and get my brain back on track before trying to cope with the actual day to day living bit. Maybe tricky with a baby but if you can ship in an in-law or sibling to get the baby through the night so you're not disturbed, it might only need a week.
    Cognitive Beahvioural Therapy was also a God send - can recommend the best woman in the world if you're interested. Offices in Harley Street and Berkshire.
    Hopeless to say this but hang on in there, it WILL get better.
    Goes without saying am an addict to this blog - LOVE it.

  43. Hey Ester,

    Much like all your readers, I am really sorry to hear you are going through a tough patch. I know when people send all their "You can get through through this! We are rooting for you! Raw, raw, raw etc....!" is all so nice, but it can also be a bit annoying when bad anxiety comes to settle in your brain for awhile.

    I went through a rough patch for a few years when I was agrophobic and didn't leave my home for weeks on end b/c I was having such bad panic attacks. I went to group therapy, regular you therapy and participated in all the other requirements needed to become a certified crazy person. As of last year, I bit the bullet and started taking an anti depressent and I feel like my life is like new ( ie; I never thought I would be a big supporter of drugs but I AM!)

    I am only 27 and have no babies to worry about, but just wanted to give you an internet high five for writing honestly about your experience with anxiety. The more people are open about it, the less I feel like a 4 eyed marmaduke when sharing my experience with others!

    Big, big love!


  44. No advice or personal story....just the observation that you are funny as hell and smart and beautiful to boot--and BRITISH! Everything I would ever hope to become....hang in there.

  45. I knew it wouldn't taste good. Life, 'ey?

  46. I'm not sure what says more, your painfully honest dialogue or the fact you, without pressure of a bet, cooked tofu?

    If I could give you a hug I would, but I can't so i'll settle for a...really hope things get better for you soon Esther. As you can tell we think you are pretty fantastic.

  47. It's tough, this life. You're feeling it bad. Hope things pick up soon. Keep writing/blogging...........x

  48. Oh Esther I'm so sorry about the anxiety, brave you for going to the doctor and really hope he can help. Am sure you're doing a fabulous job with Kitty even if it might not feel like it right now.
    Have never posted on a blog before but I was very worried and did want you to know there are complete strangers out here rooting for you.
    Love love love your writing, and am actually rather delighted that butternut squash & tofu combo turned out not that nice, due to long held deep suspicion that tofu is horrid.
    Hang on in there

  49. Crap and horrible, poor you. I suffered from crippling anxiety/agoraphobia after two babies in quick succession and however all consuming at the time it does go away. Definetely some hormonal element to it. Remember it is all a massive bluff. You feel like you are going mad but actually you are so self aware you have probably never been more sane. Hope that makes sense! Keep stress free.

  50. I stated out not wanting to leave any comment but to wish you luck and to take care of yourself.

    I've now read all the other comments. I still have nothing to say, but I have tears rolling down my face. You've gathered an exceptional Force, Esther, and we all adore you.

  51. I don't really have many friends (as you've said in previous posts about yourself!) and so I've really been thinking of you over these past few days. I relate to so many things that you write and its rare that writers (especially online) tell it how it is. I really appreciate your writing and I honestly send you my best wishes so you can get through this shitty period.



  52. Can't say anything that's not been said before (except maybe "Tofu?! What were you thinking?!!!"). I never EVER post comments to blogs (too shy and unoriginal, sadly), but was so moved after reading your last musing, felt I had to.

    I so enjoy your wonderful writing, and it struck me that even when you're unhappy, you're still brilliant (when I'm unhappy, I'm still mediocre - I hate that!). Having had some less-than-happy periods myself, I know that what other people tell you doesn't always help, but we're all here, replying to you anyway, because you've connected with us, entertained us and made us smile. Hope we can reciprocate in some small way.

    Take care; hope it works out for you.


  53. I can't stand babies and I love tofu and butternut squash, but I still think your blog is utterly brilliant. I've been lurking around reading but not commenting for ages, and now I'm coming out of the woodwork to say that I hope the doctor was helpful and I hope you can soon turn a corner with regard to the anxiety and all its nasty effects.

    Swearing in blog posts is definitely to be encouraged - you write wonderfully and I leap on each new post of yours as soon as it pops up in my Google reader thingy!

    Take care,

    Allie x

  54. I haven't read through all the comments but agree that it's important to get help. The GP is first step but if you don't like the counsellor, shrink, whatever, ditch them and find someone you can relate to. Best wishes you--you're funny and real.

  55. I love your blog. I have a five month old baby myself and can really identify with what you're going through. I often think it seems as though other people find motherhood so easy, whereas I still consider it an achievement to get through the day sometimes! Really hope you start to feel better soon.

  56. I have suffered terribly from depression and anxiety for far longer than I sought help from a doctor for it as I felt 'weak' for being that way. But I have a wonderful GP who understood entirely how I felt and it made me feel so much more understood. It is not weak. It is a problem that can be helped. I agree CBT is a very good option which I know you've tried before, but medication can be very helpful too. There is no shame in taking it if required- I took mertazipine and it was hugely helpful after years and years of suffering. It is very easy to tail off from and you shouldn't worry about being dependent. Naturally not all medication suits everyone but as many do I spent years trying to avoid it because of an element of shame attached to it. But I felt better so much more quickly than if I hadn't. As you said- prozac saves lives. Your life is important for Kitty.

  57. a mate of mine introduced me to your blog as he thought i would be a sherry and tonic kinda gal! didnt expect what i found. funny, honest and painfully close to home at times. Your blog is acemo!!
    and also as a fellow anxious fucker, beta blockers work fucking wonders! cheers for makin me feel normal!x

  58. I found this page searching - surprise - a butternut squash and tofu recipe. i found a laugh a minute instead. I'd say "in addition to", but the "don't bother" at the end was hilarious! much appreciated! i'm a bad enough cook as it is, last thing I need is to be set up by a bad recipe! :)

  59. I see all comments are 2 yrs old so it is my hope you are feeling a million times better. First time reading your site.
    I LIKE you !

  60. PS DON'T be judicious with the word FUCKER!!