Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Mumsnet

You may often notice and appreciate that I don't have much extra stuff on this blog. There isn't any advertising, flashing lights, signs telling you that I am number #457 on the Urban Spoon index of food bloggery, or links to Ocado, or Amazon, or other people's websites, or hit rate counters or links to my Twitter feed.

I pretend it's for a reason. I pretend that in this hyper digital age of techno-wackery, my blog is purposefully the most lumpen-footed, analogue and luddite. I pretend that I want it to be as limited in usefulness and snazzery as reading something on a piece of paper. Because, of course, I wish I was still at a newspaper but no-one will hire me.

The real reason, of course, is that I don't really know how to do any of that stuff. And I think my ranking on Urban Spoon really IS #457 so why would I want anyone to know that? And no-one wants to advertise on my blog anyway. At least no-one cool. If Krispy Kreme called me up and said "How bout it?" I'd say "Where do I sign, Mistah????!!" But they haven't. And I don't link to other blogs because I'm not really friends with other bloggers and don't read them and anyway they make me depressed because they all have more followers and cooler shit on them than mine.

But then Mumsnet rang me. Actually it wasn't Mumsnet, that would be weird. What would that sound like? Would you pick up the phone and thousands of cross-ish sounding voices all talking in unison would come down the line? Anyway it wasn't that. It was my old boss at The Times, who is now a mega cross-media troubleshooter-type headhunter asking me if I wanted to be part of the new Mumsnet blogger network. Or something called something similar. I don't really understand the details.

"They've got 1.6 million unique users," said Gill.

Fuck! I thought to myself. ONE of those users must work for Krispy Kreme!!!!!!

So I said yeah yeah yeah where do I sign, Mistah? And Gill said "It's not really like that. They won't pay you or anything. But from the 4th July there'll be a link to your blog on Mumset and we'll promote you on Twitter."

And then I stopped fantasising about all the free Krispy Kremes I was going to get out of this and started worrying hard about all those MASSIVELY FUCKING TERRIFYING Mumsnet users all reading my blog and leaving angry yet devastatingly accurate comments using a string of acronyms that would baffle Enigma.

But then I thought "Yes but they are probably your demographic anyway - esp now you've got a baby."
And then I thought "Oh god but they'll find out that I only breastfed for 5 weeks and come round my house with pitchforks."
But then I thought "I don't think they're that bothered about breastfeeding actually. I think it's Gina Ford that's the problem."
And then I thought "Okay well if there's an outside shot of some Krispy Kreme action I'd better do it. And the Mumsnet offices are just round the corner from my house, so if it goes bad, I can go and ring on their doorbell and then run away."

Part of the deal is that I have to carry a sort of Mumsnet insignia, which I've been given permission to hide at the bottom of the page. So, that's what I'll be doing, once I've worked out how. And this is by way of explanation as to what it's doing there.

Coming soon I PROMISE is a very excellent mutton stew by Giles Coren. (Mumsnet enemy #1, I'm told. Let the good times roll.)

20 comments:

  1. You're too cool for school to have any of that shit on the blog! Keep it real and keep in clutter free sista! Oh and just call Krispy Kreme up in the phone and tell them your the 5th most influential food blogger in the UK and you want to write about their yummy product and they'll send you some. It worked for me...

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  2. I'm so much of a Luddite that I had to look up Mumsnet! Good luck with it.
    Where does Giles get mutton from to make his stew?

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  3. Ha ha - you're funny. Looking forward to reading your blog.

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  4. Well, even though you're not really friends with other bloggers, this one enjoys reading Recipe Rifle and has done for... oh, ages. You write so well and, looking at some of the stats for your blog, I'm very surprised that you haven't attracted more attention from advertisers.

    Mumsnet is all right, though. Whenever someone has linked to one of my posts in the forums there, I've had some traffic and nice comments. I'm not sure about the Mumsnet Blogger Network: information on the site is strangely scarce, but it sounds like they want to be the next BlogHer. I'll wait to see how much content they lift, how well they promote their member bloggers and how keen they are to plaster members' blogs with stupidly low-paying ads before jumping on...

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  5. 1. I love your blog and read it regularly, and look forward to it more now that you have had baby because I feel like you tell the truth about the crap stuff I have to come in the new couple weeks.

    2. I too cant figure out how to put the extra stuff on my own blog.

    3. Yes, Krispy Kreme - Amen.

    4. Congrats on the mumsnet thing.

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  6. You're brave. They scare me too. Good news though and testament to just how wonderful your blog is. I love it.

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  7. I love reading your blog but this is the first time I've commented. I think do what you have to do to get those freebie Krispy Kreams !

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  8. I think I am your only non-baby owning (owning? having.) reader! But you are brill. xx

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  9. I love you a lot Esther but this is like the time I realised that I had to stop watching Sex & the City, because instead of guzzling cosmos, enjoying tantric sex and looking fabulous they were worrying about whether they could afford to buy their rent-controlled Brownstone.

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  10. oh dear jj... well i promise not to get to meta about stuff and go back to normal

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  11. I too, like Emma above, am a non-baby-owner/haver but promise to still keep reading your blog, because it makes me snigger (and also provided my family with their Christmas cake last year). Plus if you do get loads of free Krispy Kremes you'd be the lady to have on side...!

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  12. Nope Emma - I am a non-baby owner too and I also think Esther's fab! x

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  13. Bizarrely I was just about to link here on a thread on Mumsnet - someone said blog were boring and I wanted to say "Esther's not boring, she's sweary and funny and sometimes makes food".

    (I am a Mumsnetter but not a child-owner so maybe I am only semi terrifying)

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  14. Does this mean you won't be allowed to use the word 'fuck' in future?? I hope not.

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  15. Ha. Your blog has just been linked to on Mumsnet as an example of one of the few good blogs out there. You are done for. We like you. That is even worse than when MN hates you.

    Welcome to the Bloggers Network, looking forward to reading more of your blog.

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  16. Non baby owner and krispy kreme fan just found this blog via the wonderful Backwards in High Heels blog. I like swearing too, so this the place for me!
    Once made a makeshift wedding cake from krispy creme donuts in the middle of a Vegas casino...fond memories.

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  17. Non baby owner here as well! Though I think the random photos of Kitty are nice. I just find it hilarious that you are part of a Mumsnet something or other after being a follower of some time and reading all your back entries. Like Helen said though, you are fabbity fab.

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  18. I tried to like Mumsnet but it never seemed to work out between us. But it's nice they're sending traffic your way, good job Esther.

    Hope all is well with Kitty. We've moved now, I miss London and proper sausages. I'll get over it in a couple months. xx

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  19. I'm bored, at work so found some free blogger templates you could use to jazz up the blog if you want and make it pretty so the other mums won't judge you. http://btemplates.com/tag/food-and-drink/

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  20. Meh - it only takes about 5 minutes for blogs to get on the PR radar and they start offering you stuff. Mostly not good stuff though.

    Then they say "By the way, how many readers do you have?" and you say "Dunno" and they never email you again.

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